2026 week 11, oh the feelings keep coming
monday, 20260309 to sunday, 20260315
ridgewood, ny
second weeknotes. and i'm writing them on the following wednesday the 18th instead of sunday like i was intending. but that is ok. always late is better than never.
in general
another rollercoaster of a week. and a lot more emotions. spring has broken and me with it. i wrote some posts and it felt very good. some were enjoyable and short ruminations. some more vulnerable feelings which have been hard for me to express otherwise.
by day
monday
wrote a short post, i miss the old map.., about the different subway maps and what they mean to me. just such a nice way to extract a thought from my head in a meaningful way. to put it into reality. this whole day was kind of manic. the sun was out. high of 66. i remembered what its like to have energy for the whole day. dst switched on and the sun was setting at 630. it felt like i could do anything i wanted. the day played out a bit of work at superlost. wrapped up around noon. went to the studio and fixed tate's conveyor thing that cures screenprints. then fixed sem's pants on the sewing machine and chatted with kenyon and astrid before going to the skatepark. skated for a while, smoked some pot. went home and made dinner.
just one of those days that reminds me how the winter does not define me. how i feel in the winter is both normal but not the end. not everything. each year i learn how much i am like a plant. needing rain and sun and warmth to thrive. and also i am reminded how the winter is an essential phase of life. for turning inward, for surviving, but also for being forced to confront yourself.
tuesday
wrote another post, change your things, about how i feel it is important to put your mark on the things in your life. spending time with objects always brings me clarity on how i wish they were. something will always irk me. and often i can do something about it. but i feel like most people would start searching for another product to purchase. anyway that is for them. i will do what is for me. i don't really remember much about tuesday. i went out to jersey for pickups. i think the day ran pretty long and i came home tired. the sun felt amazing.
very happy with my new watch
wednesday
another pretty nice day out. gray but warmish. not cold. spent the morning fiddling with the design of my blog. wrote a short post, drain threshold, that i thought was funny about deciding what goes down the sink drain. then worked at superlost. journaled a bit about this strange clouded feeling i've been tangling with. how it always feels like i'm forgetting something. then skated afterward. got a chance to skate this bank that i see every time i get off the train on my way to work. beautiful brick about 45-50 deg incline. its been trapped behind construction fencing and then snow for months. right outside woodhull hospital. i expected to get moved on by security or something but i got to skate it for at least 20 mins before eating proper shit and deciding to go home. filmed myself a bit. which brought up some feelings that i put away. then got off the M at forest ave and skated flat at rosemary park which was nice. the ground is smooth there.
sem and i met dallas at myrtle pub and we got to vent a bit about wade which was nice. i love that fool but the feelings must get vented. drank a lot of beers (for us).
thursday
had another cloud following me around on thursday. weather was not bad but not good. i don't remember exactly but if the sun was properly out i would have just pushed through the feelings. wrote a post in the morning, on forgetfulness, which felt very good. i still carry those feelings around everywhere. but sometimes they are easier to tangle with than others. and getting to express it in words felt good. i shared it with sem.
worked a long one for superlost. made longer for my despair. i crashed out towards the end of the day with gender feelings. realizing that the gut punch when i witness the desynch between my image of myself and the images i see of myself. is probably pretty well tied in with dysphoria. and thinking like man i've been pushing this feeling down for a long long long time. and i thought i'd made relative peace with the continual discover and learning about myself. but no haha. no there is always more to come. i skipped the trans group sit at zcnyc again which makes two months in a row. but i did get to chat with josephine on the phone which helped immeasurably. went home and wrote a post, so i saw myself which really helped to untangle those feelings.
ultimately like any other feelings i will continue to unravel them slowly. bit by bit. with about a week of distance from them i'm feeling more normal. more comfortable in the uncertain undefined space of nonbinary gender. more comfortable holding all the parts of me at once. well not particularly more comfortable than before the 12th. like the same comfort level. but now i feel more like open to the future change. one day perhaps i'll choose to grow tits. or have my facial hair lasered off. or have surgery to reduce my brow ridge. perhaps. but for right now i feel comfortable again holding the boy and the girl in me. i do enjoy being stubbly. but i also still have an image of what i could be. and maybe there is the dragon. to try and change myself to fit what is just an imagined image. but maybe there is some middle ground. to take steps in the direction of that image while staying grounded in my existence. which is only right here and right now.
we'll see
friday
almost a blank day memory wise. i haven't been journalling since thursday. i know i worked for superlost. and afterward i came home before going out to meet dallas and jess at little grand for sem's last shift. we all got drunk. went home, went to bed.
saturday
another really nice spring day. well it wasn't amazingly nice but the sun was peaking out. it was not cold. took a slow start to the day and then did exactly what i wanted to: skate!!! i pushed to the studio and built a tiny manny pad out of scraps. like 2'x4' then got on the train and took it to rosemary which i find! someone brought a parking block and waxed it. so we now had a tiny little skatepark. it was awesome and felt good. tanner joined me and used my rollerblades. wade came and did the same. it was a really nice hangout.
oh and i switched my sim card to the dumbphone. pretty excited to feel the changeup.
sunday
pretty chill day. went to the zen center for sunday service. got to see my friends which was awesome. i think after that i just came home and smoked pot. sem was seeing their friend. wade came over and was feeling better for having had a conversation with jess. dallas came over too.
it was a good week
it was a hard week. but good. spring is emerging slowly i am being reminded that i am not the husk that i turn into in the winter. and the feelings keep coming.. like always goddamn