on forgetfulness
most of my life I've felt this cloud following me around. an unknowable cloud full of the stuff i've forgotten. urgent or otherwise. could be an appointment, or an idea i had this morning, or brushing my teeth, or picking up onions on my way home from work, or doing my taxes, or my friend's birthday. and it brings me a lot of frustration. there's important things in there that i do not want to slip through my fingers. things that affect my life and the lives of those close to me.
I'm not as anxious about it as I used to be. i have a lot of systems. some things are easy to keep tabs on like appointments or birthdays. for which i keep a robust calendar. and the need for onions gets put into my task tracker with a 4pm reminder attached.
but sometimes my feelings are what slip away or are suppressed. consciously or unconsciously I put them away. over the last year or so they are often not so cooperative. especially in the winter. they often dominate my days. and in part i spend more time with them. and i also lean more heavily on my coping tools. but i still do not want them to slip away. and for this i rely more on my practices. on sitting with my coffee and my journal and nothing else every morning. thankfully the feelings always come back. and i pull them out of myself and onto the page.
sitting meditation helps a lot too. to just sit as myself without expectation. to allow thoughts to arise and unspool and appreciate them before letting them continue on their way. often other things i've forgotten will arise also. stuff thats coming up this week. it is a great relief to know that as long as i make room, the things which are not front of mind will return. but my practice is often not so consistent. it is hard to remember how important it is when i'm rushing or overwhelmed.
all that being said.. how i meet my forgetfulness is two-sided. there is how i deal with the practicality of it. and there is how i deal with how i feel about it. my systems and practices are not impervious. i want to be perfect and in control but i am not. i will forget things. i will forget to close the door softly when i come home with my hands full and my mind full. i am sorry neighbors. i'm sorry sem. i have to trust that my best is enough. that the important things which slip through will surface in my mind. that the people I love will forgive me and love me for my flaws. mostly i'm not bitten too often. especially these days. i've come a long way since forgetting about an exam and showing up 15 minutes late soaking wet and failing.
but it is ongoing. i want to be better. i am doing my best. and some days i will feel that cloud closer behind me than others. but that is just the nature of it i think.
xxx minnow
